Bachman-Turner Overdrivel

I have no money. But what I do have is enthusiasm! But not for getting a job. What I would love most of all right now is for someone to give me some money, enough money to pay my rent, and not want it back, ever. And for there to be no guilt in that.

My main idea is to get money for making hilarious tshirts, but I haven't sold any yet. Maybe it's cos they look like crap. My other idea for making money is to write a novel. I heard that was a quick easy way to get rich. Also I might become a DJ. I think I am suitably obnoxious. My only rule would be that I wouldn't talk over records, because that is the most annoying thing that DJs do.

I did sort of think that maybe I could be a professional footballer still, but actually I am in training for a run for charity, and judging by the massive pain I experience everytime I do exercise, maybe I don't have much chance. It's mainly my right knee rather than my aerobic fitness I think, so hopefully I can sort it out. The doctor wouldn't do anything though, would he or she?

Seriously now, my actual idea for making money is to make a living from quiz shows. Just last Thursday I went to Pinewood Studios near Slough to be on Wogan's Perfect Recall. I don't know if it breaks the terms of my contract to say if I won. But... I have no money, okay? It was kind of worth it though, for the experience of meeting possibly the nicest man in the world. Terry Wogan is seventy years old. I am going to apply for some more. The only problem is that it is not what you might call a guaranteed income. I might apply for 20 shows and get on none. Or I might get on 20 and win none. But I do think that the type of knowledge I have is perfect for quizzes - no in-depth understanding of anything worth knowing but a knack for remembering crap sitcoms, football team nicknames and the middle initials of US Presidents.